Do you believe your friendships have anything to do with your health, your profession or your leadership? Can friendships impact your longevity? It’s a resounding YES to both questions and there’s extensive research to support this. Cigna, for example, found that Americans, on average, have 2-5 friends, and may still be lonely. With these stats in mind, I was delighted to connect with Eva Hagberg, PhD, author of the book, how to be loved.
Eva’s story begins with a medical emergency; in fact, so startling that it’s amazing she’s here to talk about it – a ruptured mass in her brain. The journey of recuperation was a long one for Eva – many surgeries and significant medical care was needed for years. The story of healing could be the only one told, however, after reading the book, the lasting effect is not the recapture of her large medical file, it’s the value of trusting and caring relationships.
Friends provide love, caring and support in ways we cannot provide to ourselves. They provide new perspectives to life’s joys and challenges. Each friend, in their own way, has a “job description”, in our brain. Some friends are more emotionally supportive than others, for instance, and others we call first when it comes to trying new experiences.
The reality, is that human beings are designed to be with others, and for Eva, that “Ahha” moment, came at a point of medical crisis. It hit home with me when I read what Eva posted on Facebook after brain surgery, “Everything went well!! I’m alive!!!!” Not only did Eva have the cognition to communicate, but she also had people on the receiving end who cared. It was also cathartic because of the privacy Eva maintained PRIOR to her surgery. Her FB post was a sort of coming out, coming clean of a secret and she chose to do this publicly. It was freeing, and it was a call waiting for a response. And there were notes of empathy, concern, healing, prayers from friends that were in Eva’s inner Circle of Trust as well as others on the periphery, yet people who cared. At that moment, FB responses provided comfort.
True friendships are not built on social media connections, but they are validating human linkage. Separately, Eva learned to translate all the puppy dog pats (my words, not hers) like, “you’ll be fine” and “you look great” to mean, “I love you. You matter. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.” (Her words, not mine.). And, with her closest friend of the heart, she didn’t need to translate anything. She could speak freely about her pain and accept freely empathy and love. The reality, is all of these connections were – and are – equally valuable to our physical and mental health, although they may be presented in unique and personal ways.
Friendships start externally and work inward toward your heart and mind. Investing time in relationships takes time, reciprocity, openness and self-awareness. There’s a balance of risk (“Did I hurt their feelings?”) and reward (‘Thank you for understanding.”). Once internalized, our friendships impact our physiology, our behavior, our work performance and our own longevity.
Thanks to Eva for sharing her story of health and recovery, wrapped in the blanket of caring relationships with family and friends.